Monday, May 11, 2009

Race for the Cure

We couldn't have asked for better weather for the Race for the Cure yesterday.

DSCI1378 DSCI1376 DSCI1379 DSCI1380 The turnout for the race was amazingly overwhelming, as usual. I got a bit choked up and emotional a few times- like when I saw survivors, and women currently going through the disease who'd lost their hair to chemo, and all the names and pictures and faces of those who lost their lives... one girl couldn't have been more than seven or eight years old, and she had a sign on the back of her shirt that read she was walking in memory of her mother. That one hit me the hardest, I think. Seeing those names and those faces are what brings me back to the race every year and what will keep me going every year until WE FIND A CURE. It's too late for so many women, but we can keep looking and keep fighting and NEVER give up hope that one day, we will find a cure.

I hope you all had great weekends and a wonderful Mother's Day, no matter how you spent it. This is something that I have never mentioned on my blog, but I want to be honest with anyone who reads this. I don't know if people have noticed that I don't mention my mother on my blog. There is a reason for that. My mother and I have been estranged for the past three years- we have not spoken, and the only time we have seen each other is when my father passed away recently, and we had to really put all of our differences aside for the sake of tragedy. I would have to start a whole new blog to explain all the reasons we don't have a relationship, but simply put, my mother has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me (as well as my sister and my father, when they were married) for most of my life. On a few but rare occasions, physically abusive, but for the most part, all verbal and emotional. She has said things to and about me and my sister that no mother should ever say to her child... she once told me that she wished she'd had an abortion instead of having me. She is the also the type of person who not only says these things, but refuses to apologize, acknowledge, or take responsibility for how her words and actions affect her children. If you try to talk to her about a certain incident, she simply changes the subject as if it never happened. And I can't have a relationship with someone who denies saying and doing things that have brought me such immense pain and partially shaped me into the person that I am today. I can't have a "real" relationship with someone like that, whether it's my mother, a significant other, a friend, etc. It's a damaging, toxic, and unhealthy relationship. It's obviously more complicated than that, but it would be impossible to get into on the blog. But I can honestly tell you that I am a happier person not having this person in my life at all than to have her in my life, maintaining an unhealthy, toxic relationship that brings me emotional pain. I feel like that's a half-assed explanation, but just wanted to be honest. I don't get upset or sad about it often, and I do wish things were different sometimes- that I was close with my mom like so many other girls are fortunate enough to be- but honestly, my mother and I were never close, our relationship has been like this for almost my whole life, and so I can't really miss something that I never had and never will, you know? It's impossible to fix a broken relationship if someone will not admit their role in it. Will she change one day? Anything's possible, but I'm not holding my breath or wishing on a star. Even if we tried to start over today, I don't think I'd ever to fully be able to trust her. When I was younger, I'd talk to her and confide in her on occasion, and every time I did, I'd have it thrown back at me or hurled as an insult during a fight or an attack. She has also read my diary, as well as my sister's. There is no trust or respect in the relationship, and as sad as it is, it also it what it is, and I think I still managed to turn out okay, and so did my sister. ;-) But to all you peeps out there with awesome mamas, I hope you were good to her yesterday. I'm sure you were. If you're blessed enough to have a great mother, I hope you take the time to show her how much you appreciate it. Not everyone gets that kind of mother. But I think it's awesome if you do. I don't hate. ;-)

Anyway, sorry for that weird tangent/sob story. That wasn't the intent. I just figured with Mother's Day being yesterday, and reading all the posts from everyone else's blogs about what they did with their moms, I figured I needed to give at least some sort of explanation. And I've wanted to. This is my blog and I want to be able to talk about anything I want. The power of freedom of speech!!!! Gotta love those First Amendments!!!! :-)

Whew, I'm tired. I ran around all weekend on about five hours of sleep each night- my biological alarm clock is getting earlier and earlier as I get older, haha. As a teenager, I'd sleep until ten or eleven no problem. Now I wake up around 8 on the weekends... sometimes even earlier! Which I actually prefer- I like getting up early in the morning, sleeping that late would make me feel like I've wasted my morning- but my problem is that I'm totally nocturnal and can stay up until 2 AM easily- even 3 AM on occasion! And I'm not even doing anything cool- it's normally just watching TV or reading! I'm working on it though. And I've noticed that sometimes on the weekends, I'll find myself getting tired earlier, like around 11 or midnight, but rather than call it a night and go to bed, I push myself to stay up a little later, not even because I want to, but simply because I feel like, well, it's the weekend, so I CAN. I realize that's stupid, I'm not sure why I do it, and it's something I'm trying to work on. We'll try it out next weekend and see how it flies. :-D

I'm glad I took today off of work. I needed a day just to be a lazy cat. :-D I did go to the gym though, but hey, I wanted to! I'm one of those weird people who like the gym. That's right... I'm a total gym bunny! :-D But I could see how people could hate it. My theory is, hey, exercise should be fun, so go do it in a way that makes you happy- the gym, yoga, running, dancing, walking with friends, tennis, whateva. If you force yourself to work out, you'll hate it and never do it. Not that these are really deep thoughts here... they're pretty obvious! But most of my thoughts aren't deep, but very bright and shiny. :-)

Plus, getting in a good workout at the gym makes me feel like I've earned the right to park my booty on the couch and read, which is what I'm off to do now. The season finales of The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother are on tonight- yay! And then it's back to the daily grind tomorrow... smaller yay (want to start off the week on a bright note- it's already pretty good since it's a shorter week for me!).

Happy Monday!!!! :-)

1 comment:

itsawrapteacher said...

Wow, that must have taken alot of strength to open up about your mother like that. I am so sorry that you two are estranged but hopefully you have a solid support system from others. Have a peaceful evening! I plan on watching my How I Met Your Mother night myself.